Slacking . . .

It has been way too long since I have posted on my blog.  So many things have not been going the way I have wanted them to that I feel that I am unable to post so much negativity into the world.  My goal was to not use this blog as a venting tool for the negative things in my life.  While that is my goal I do not believe that I shouldn't stop posting on my blog because of the negativity that is in my life.  I hope that through the exploration of the negative things I will gain a new understanding of the lessons to be learned. 

My life feels like there is an ever growing ladder that I have to climb.  When I get close to the top of the ladder there comes an obstacle that stands in my way.  After the path is cleared I look up to only find that the ladder has extended and I have further to go.  I am appreciative of my life struggles.  I have been given a wonderful blessing to be able to see His hand in my struggles and hardships.  I believe wholeheartedly that I will come out of this stage in my life stronger and better prepared to handle life.  I just wish that my life would not consist of so many struggles and hardships.  I am overwhelmed with the weight of life right now. 

I have such a negative inner dialogue going on that it seems to pull me down.  I am struggling with my self worth quite a bit lately.  I have been working towards the Temple for several months now.  Unfortunately, I have been doing it solo.  My dear husband is not ready to take that step yet.  He isn't quite ready to be active either.  For the last several months I have diligently been working on my activity and Temple recommend.  When I got sick I missed several Sunday's at church and I began to feel unworthy to go back.  Even though my reason for missing was legitimate I allowed Satan to pursue me to think that I was not good enough.  When I am able to look at it logically I think that I am silly for even thinking about it that way.  In the moment, though, nothing else makes sense.  After missing a couple Sunday's and my husband refusing to take our kids to church I started to feel a very large amount of pressure to be active for my entire family.  My husband would go if I went, but after I missed I began to feel like I was failing my family.  That since my husband was not ready to be active was because I wasn't good enough.  Again, I know that as I write this down it does not make logical sense but in the moment those reasons were very clear to me.

At my lowest point when I felt that I needed to reach out to someone within the ward my prayers were answered.  Three members of the elder's quorum came by to see how our family was doing.  As I walked them outside I felt the urgency to talk to them about my inactivity.  To let them know what internal struggles I was going through trying to be active for my entire family.  They accepted me with open arms and I truly felt the Holy Spirit guiding them to my doorstep.  It was literally just a few hours before I had prayed to reach out to someone within the ward.  I am so moved to know that even if I am not active Heavenly Father is looking out for me through the great members of my ward.

On top of this internal war that is going on I have a war going on in my home.  I am so lucky to be a foster parent.  It brings me so much joy to be a good influence in these young kid's life.  It actually helps me to grow as a parent and a human being to be part of fostering.  The difficult part is that I have a difficult time placing boundaries on my heart.  I have always had this problem.  I will freely give my love to all those around me.  Anyone who knows me will agree.  So, the concern is that some of these kids are in the habit of taking whatever they can from people as quick as they can due to fear that they will be abandoned again.  This last month or so I have been treated like a door mat and I have reached my last straw.  After doing so much for these girls I know that I don't deserved to be treated that way.  My kids have begun to pick up the aggressive attitude and displayed towards me.  This is not the behavior I want my kids to believe is OK.

If only that was all.  On top of everything else we are experiencing quite a lot of financial issues.  When my Nana decided to leave for Florida it forced our hand to make financial decisions we were not prepared to make.  We are still in the downward spiral effect from the decision she made to leave.  We don't have enough money to buy groceries, but luckily we have some food in the cupboard so we will be able to eat for a little while.  It might be ramen for the next several weeks, but at least we will not starve.  We are behind on bills and will have to pay some bills one month and the others the next month.  This will put us in an consistent state of past due.  I feel such an overwhelming feeling of failure that I can't do enough.  It is not that easy for me to just go back to work considering the cost of daycare.  I wouldn't bring home nearly enough after daycare costs to justify working.  I just hope that we will be able to have foster children that can supplement our income until we get back on our feet.  I never want to do fostering just for the income, it is not the money that entices me.  I wouldn't be able to foster without compensation but at the same time the possibility that I can help children is what drives me to continue. 

I have faith that everything will work out.  My husband and I are doing better than we have ever done.  We are on a path that is quite nice.  While we still have some work to do we have gained some tools that helps us to understand each other better.  I leave the following thought for everyone to ponder . . . if we were able to live life with complete faith that God is beside us, what are our possibilities??  What could we accomplish if we lost our fear??  If we were able to live not worried about the outcome but live in the moment, not concerned with what was in the past and not worried about the future. 

Revelations . . .

I am beyond overwhelmed. My life has taken some very interesting twists and turns. Being a foster parent has not been exactly as I had expected. I truly felt that if only I did enough, loved enough even that everything would fall into place. I have since realized that this mentality was very naive indeed. Even with my best of intentions I cannot always change the world, as much as I would like to. I need be OK with the fact that I am unable to change their position in life, but I am able to be a beacon of stability in their ever changing and uncertain lifes. I am nowhere near perfect but as I hold these thoughts close to my heart I am filled with such peace. This work was meant for me...even though these first few months have been filled with mistakes I am so blessed to be able to do this great work.