The Great Depression . . .

I was beginning to write another entry on my blog when I hit a road block.  To bypass that, I read my previous entry and was surprised by my reaction.  I typically don't read what I write after it flows from my fingers.  It is a therapeutic release of the emotions that I hold so tightly within.  As I read the last questions I posted I burst into tears.  I actually lifted my own spirits by taking my own advice, in this case by asking my own questions.  Isn't that the irony.  My personal epiphanies sometimes fall on my deaf ears and mute heart.  I want to say that I am a quick learner but alas this is not true.  The truth is that I am having to learn some of the same things over and over again in life.  This is not an easy thing to admit.  In my head I feel that I am capable of sudden adaptability.  In some aspects of my life this is true but for the most part I am struggling. 

The biggest lesson that I have to keep trying to learn is how to conquer my depression.  For so many years I have allowed my depression to control me.  I am but it's slave and it is my leader.  I wish this were not the case and I feel quite the weakling for even admitting that outside of my own head.  I am but a pawn in depression's downward spiral.  How pathetic I feel . . . as strong as I thought I was to be controlled by my own mind.  The overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and fear has taken me to a place lower than I have ever been.  These are not the words that I want to be writing.  I want to be filling this virtual world with great motivational words that would make a difference in this desperate world.  Alas, I have no such words.  The best that I can hope for is that someone in the world, someone who reads this can relate to where I am.  Hopefully, I will be able to drag myself out of this and discover those words.  For now my words are only a lifeline to my sanity.  A lifeline to a place so deeply buried underneath this crushing depression.  That place will set me free through every syllable that I write.  Each syllable brings me closer to the strength I have lost over the years. 

I must force myself to remember that I am not alone in this journey.  I need only reach out to the loved ones around me for support.  This is the hardest part for me.  It is so much easier to put on the mask of courage and plow my way through life.  Keeping this secret from everyone I know is my security blanket.  To be known as weak and a failure has not been an option for me.  My self worth always relied on my ability to be what everyone else needed me to be.  The problem I am facing now is the need to be what I need to be for me to save my own life.  This disease is consuming my life and killing me little by little each day.  Each day I have less of myself to offer to those around me.  I have been giving so much of myself for the majority of my life that I don't know who I would be if I had nothing left to give.  Who are we if we are but an empty shell??  What drives us forward when our ember has been extinguished??  I am terrified of where I will be if this cycle continues.  What I have to live for is too valuable to lose.

Slacking . . .

It has been way too long since I have posted on my blog.  So many things have not been going the way I have wanted them to that I feel that I am unable to post so much negativity into the world.  My goal was to not use this blog as a venting tool for the negative things in my life.  While that is my goal I do not believe that I shouldn't stop posting on my blog because of the negativity that is in my life.  I hope that through the exploration of the negative things I will gain a new understanding of the lessons to be learned. 

My life feels like there is an ever growing ladder that I have to climb.  When I get close to the top of the ladder there comes an obstacle that stands in my way.  After the path is cleared I look up to only find that the ladder has extended and I have further to go.  I am appreciative of my life struggles.  I have been given a wonderful blessing to be able to see His hand in my struggles and hardships.  I believe wholeheartedly that I will come out of this stage in my life stronger and better prepared to handle life.  I just wish that my life would not consist of so many struggles and hardships.  I am overwhelmed with the weight of life right now. 

I have such a negative inner dialogue going on that it seems to pull me down.  I am struggling with my self worth quite a bit lately.  I have been working towards the Temple for several months now.  Unfortunately, I have been doing it solo.  My dear husband is not ready to take that step yet.  He isn't quite ready to be active either.  For the last several months I have diligently been working on my activity and Temple recommend.  When I got sick I missed several Sunday's at church and I began to feel unworthy to go back.  Even though my reason for missing was legitimate I allowed Satan to pursue me to think that I was not good enough.  When I am able to look at it logically I think that I am silly for even thinking about it that way.  In the moment, though, nothing else makes sense.  After missing a couple Sunday's and my husband refusing to take our kids to church I started to feel a very large amount of pressure to be active for my entire family.  My husband would go if I went, but after I missed I began to feel like I was failing my family.  That since my husband was not ready to be active was because I wasn't good enough.  Again, I know that as I write this down it does not make logical sense but in the moment those reasons were very clear to me.

At my lowest point when I felt that I needed to reach out to someone within the ward my prayers were answered.  Three members of the elder's quorum came by to see how our family was doing.  As I walked them outside I felt the urgency to talk to them about my inactivity.  To let them know what internal struggles I was going through trying to be active for my entire family.  They accepted me with open arms and I truly felt the Holy Spirit guiding them to my doorstep.  It was literally just a few hours before I had prayed to reach out to someone within the ward.  I am so moved to know that even if I am not active Heavenly Father is looking out for me through the great members of my ward.

On top of this internal war that is going on I have a war going on in my home.  I am so lucky to be a foster parent.  It brings me so much joy to be a good influence in these young kid's life.  It actually helps me to grow as a parent and a human being to be part of fostering.  The difficult part is that I have a difficult time placing boundaries on my heart.  I have always had this problem.  I will freely give my love to all those around me.  Anyone who knows me will agree.  So, the concern is that some of these kids are in the habit of taking whatever they can from people as quick as they can due to fear that they will be abandoned again.  This last month or so I have been treated like a door mat and I have reached my last straw.  After doing so much for these girls I know that I don't deserved to be treated that way.  My kids have begun to pick up the aggressive attitude and displayed towards me.  This is not the behavior I want my kids to believe is OK.

If only that was all.  On top of everything else we are experiencing quite a lot of financial issues.  When my Nana decided to leave for Florida it forced our hand to make financial decisions we were not prepared to make.  We are still in the downward spiral effect from the decision she made to leave.  We don't have enough money to buy groceries, but luckily we have some food in the cupboard so we will be able to eat for a little while.  It might be ramen for the next several weeks, but at least we will not starve.  We are behind on bills and will have to pay some bills one month and the others the next month.  This will put us in an consistent state of past due.  I feel such an overwhelming feeling of failure that I can't do enough.  It is not that easy for me to just go back to work considering the cost of daycare.  I wouldn't bring home nearly enough after daycare costs to justify working.  I just hope that we will be able to have foster children that can supplement our income until we get back on our feet.  I never want to do fostering just for the income, it is not the money that entices me.  I wouldn't be able to foster without compensation but at the same time the possibility that I can help children is what drives me to continue. 

I have faith that everything will work out.  My husband and I are doing better than we have ever done.  We are on a path that is quite nice.  While we still have some work to do we have gained some tools that helps us to understand each other better.  I leave the following thought for everyone to ponder . . . if we were able to live life with complete faith that God is beside us, what are our possibilities??  What could we accomplish if we lost our fear??  If we were able to live not worried about the outcome but live in the moment, not concerned with what was in the past and not worried about the future. 

Revelations . . .

I am beyond overwhelmed. My life has taken some very interesting twists and turns. Being a foster parent has not been exactly as I had expected. I truly felt that if only I did enough, loved enough even that everything would fall into place. I have since realized that this mentality was very naive indeed. Even with my best of intentions I cannot always change the world, as much as I would like to. I need be OK with the fact that I am unable to change their position in life, but I am able to be a beacon of stability in their ever changing and uncertain lifes. I am nowhere near perfect but as I hold these thoughts close to my heart I am filled with such peace. This work was meant for me...even though these first few months have been filled with mistakes I am so blessed to be able to do this great work.

DRAMA . . .

I truly feel like I am in a life action soap opera. My every day life feels chaotic and overwhelming. I don't want to come off complaining, I just need to vent these feelings so I can process my feelings and evaluate the lessons learned.

For example, this evening I learned a valuable lesson on expectations equaling effort. My foster daughter wants to go down to see some friends but she doesn't have any money. She asked if she could do some extra chores to earn $2.25 for bus fare. I agreed and decided she needed to clean the bathroom and do the dishes. After about ten minutes cleaning in the bathroom she went to her room. I thought maybe she was just taking a break but after 30 minutes I wasn't sure she still wanted to go. So, I asked if she still wanted to earn the money. Apparently, she had "forgotten" to do the rest of the chores. When I told her she still needed to mop the floor in the bathroom she informed me that she had sprayed the floor with a degreaser and wiped it up. I was pretty flabbergasted that she was only doing the minimum, so I asked her if she wanted me to give her a half dollar bill. My thinking was if she was only going to put in half effort then I was going to only put in half the pay. When she came out to do dishes she threw a small tantrum and stormed off to properly clean the bathroom. Later on after she had done some of the dishes and went back to her room I had to ask her if she was going to finish the dishes before leaving. Again, another small tantrum complaining that the drying racks were full. I plainly said that she needed to dry them then finish the rest of the dishes. I don't know if this is coming off too harsh but I have learned that she is prone to only putting forth the smallest effort while still getting what she wants. I have just reached a point where I'm not going to give her slack anymore. She needs to learn to do things right the first time because when she gets a job her boss won't take half done work. It will be his way or the highway.

Mini-Vacation . . .

I am SO excited for my upcoming mini vacation to Saint George, Utah.  My foster daughter is graduating this June and wants to take a trip to celebrate.  In order for the trip to be authorized she needed supervision.  I volunteered my time to drive her down there and to supervise her activities.  It is really nice for me because my husband is able to take his days off on those that we are going so I won't need to take the little ones.  What makes it even more perfect is that we are picking up my best friend to tag along.  My stomach is filled with butterflies...the excitement feels like it is going to burst out of me at any time.  I truly hope for my own sake that I get to feeling better before this trip.

I have been battling with this weird ailment.  For more then a week now I have suffered through the most horrific stomach cramping and nausea that I have ever felt in my entire life.  The past two days have been so bad that I have actually been bed bound.  Every time I have stood up I am hit with horrific pain.  My husband has been as good as can be expected this last week.  It is very hard on him to gain perspective on my sickness (if you can really call it that).  My husband works very hard at his job.  He goes to work every day and puts in 100% so he can be the financial rock in our family.  I am extremely grateful for this.  The problem with how hard he works is that he doesn't have enough energy left to help with the kids or around the house.  As a stay-at-home mom I understand the requirements of my daily job, as you could call it.  I know that the majority of the responsibilities around the house and for the kids are my responsibility.  At the same time I get so much anxiety if I am ever sick or under the weather.  I feel that anytime I do "take time off" I am judged by disapproving glares and negative under-breath comments.  The constant toll of solely taking care of the house, two young kids, and two teenage foster daughters is starting to affect me physically.  I am SO tired at times that I feel like I can't keep moving forward.  I wish my husband would understand that just because he brings in the money does not mean he is exempt from any responsibilities around the house and with the kids.  I don't really expect a lot . . . help me to put away the clothes after I fold them, set the dinner table, change a diaper, or even just understanding the immense pressure I deal with everyday.  I sincerely am not complaining . . . at least not unproductively.  I truly just want to release my pressure valve of anxiety and stress.

That is why this mini-vacation could not come at a better time.  I am hoping that the excitement will help to curb all the stress and anxiety. 

Feel the love . . .

My husband and I have been going to this marriage group class for three weeks and so far it has really made a difference.  The class is teaching from a book called "Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson.  She is the developer of Emotional Focused Couple Therapy.  The concepts that she brings to the table are so simple yet I would have never thought to apply them to my marriage.  I am so grateful for the message that she brings.  I feel that my feelings are validated solely because other couples in this book are going through the same thing.  I always felt like I was wrong or that I just didn't deserve to be loved.  Dr. Sue talks about a pattern or a cycle that is represented by the infinity symbol. 

If you separate the symbol horizontally equally on the very bottom is your needs.  When your needs are not met then you start to have feelings (which usually are negative).  If you are still unable to have your needs met those feelings turn into negative thoughts.  Those thoughts will turn into actions, again usually negative.  Then the cycle will continue the other way.  From the actions, to thoughts, feelings, then back to the beginning with needs.  This pattern or cycle will continue inevitably until the deep needs are met or something can stop it in the middle. 

This class is teaching us to pay attention to the cycle and communicate our deep needs.  For me, this makes total sense.  When I begin to feel alone or even ignored I will extend my frustration out on smaller non-serious matters.  This would include silly bickering about issues that really have no importance.  This class has helped me to associate positivity to my needs.  I feel that I am able to communicate to my husband what I really need.  I have been shocked at his acceptance of this teaching.  My husband is not as emotionally in tune as I am, but I have been able to come to see that he does indeed have feelings.  Over the years, because of my husband's incapability to express his feelings, thoughts, and indeed needs I have neglected those.  This has resulted in his detachment from our relationship and at times his feeling of solidarity.  I am so impressed that after only three classes we have been able to see such a prominent change in our relationship.

Refreshed and Rejuvenated . . .

I have had the opportunity to be refreshed on my purpose of this blog. It's sole purpose is for an artistic outlet of my feelings and thoughts. At first, I thought this was something I wanted to share with my husband. We have both come to the conclusion that won't work for our dynamic right now. While I still need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings my husband is not prepared to read those thoughts and feelings objectively. I am still excited to put my thoughts out there for people to read and even more excited that these thoughts, feelings, and revelations will be out there for my husband to read when he is ready. I'm not sure how my readers (if I can even use a plural on that term) receive what I am writing. I want to extend a disclaimer that I am not at all trying to come off preachy. Through my self analasis I am able to grow as a human being. For me right now my path is very spiritual. My main goal is to excercise my talent for writing to first and foremost grow as an individual and also in some smaller part have it out there for other's to take and learn from. I'm not saying I am perfect by any sense of the word but I can admit that some of the things I am going through is very relatable in today's society. It is so true and sad that moat people feel that they have to suffer things in silence. Just like I suffered with my depression for years before I would even admit it to myself. I truly just hope to inspire one person to stand up and get help with whatever is ailing them. I hope to add a new blog tomorrow about the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I have realized that if I don't document these thoughts and feelings that I will be bound to repeat them.