Feel the love . . .

My husband and I have been going to this marriage group class for three weeks and so far it has really made a difference.  The class is teaching from a book called "Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson.  She is the developer of Emotional Focused Couple Therapy.  The concepts that she brings to the table are so simple yet I would have never thought to apply them to my marriage.  I am so grateful for the message that she brings.  I feel that my feelings are validated solely because other couples in this book are going through the same thing.  I always felt like I was wrong or that I just didn't deserve to be loved.  Dr. Sue talks about a pattern or a cycle that is represented by the infinity symbol. 

If you separate the symbol horizontally equally on the very bottom is your needs.  When your needs are not met then you start to have feelings (which usually are negative).  If you are still unable to have your needs met those feelings turn into negative thoughts.  Those thoughts will turn into actions, again usually negative.  Then the cycle will continue the other way.  From the actions, to thoughts, feelings, then back to the beginning with needs.  This pattern or cycle will continue inevitably until the deep needs are met or something can stop it in the middle. 

This class is teaching us to pay attention to the cycle and communicate our deep needs.  For me, this makes total sense.  When I begin to feel alone or even ignored I will extend my frustration out on smaller non-serious matters.  This would include silly bickering about issues that really have no importance.  This class has helped me to associate positivity to my needs.  I feel that I am able to communicate to my husband what I really need.  I have been shocked at his acceptance of this teaching.  My husband is not as emotionally in tune as I am, but I have been able to come to see that he does indeed have feelings.  Over the years, because of my husband's incapability to express his feelings, thoughts, and indeed needs I have neglected those.  This has resulted in his detachment from our relationship and at times his feeling of solidarity.  I am so impressed that after only three classes we have been able to see such a prominent change in our relationship.