DRAMA . . .

I truly feel like I am in a life action soap opera. My every day life feels chaotic and overwhelming. I don't want to come off complaining, I just need to vent these feelings so I can process my feelings and evaluate the lessons learned.

For example, this evening I learned a valuable lesson on expectations equaling effort. My foster daughter wants to go down to see some friends but she doesn't have any money. She asked if she could do some extra chores to earn $2.25 for bus fare. I agreed and decided she needed to clean the bathroom and do the dishes. After about ten minutes cleaning in the bathroom she went to her room. I thought maybe she was just taking a break but after 30 minutes I wasn't sure she still wanted to go. So, I asked if she still wanted to earn the money. Apparently, she had "forgotten" to do the rest of the chores. When I told her she still needed to mop the floor in the bathroom she informed me that she had sprayed the floor with a degreaser and wiped it up. I was pretty flabbergasted that she was only doing the minimum, so I asked her if she wanted me to give her a half dollar bill. My thinking was if she was only going to put in half effort then I was going to only put in half the pay. When she came out to do dishes she threw a small tantrum and stormed off to properly clean the bathroom. Later on after she had done some of the dishes and went back to her room I had to ask her if she was going to finish the dishes before leaving. Again, another small tantrum complaining that the drying racks were full. I plainly said that she needed to dry them then finish the rest of the dishes. I don't know if this is coming off too harsh but I have learned that she is prone to only putting forth the smallest effort while still getting what she wants. I have just reached a point where I'm not going to give her slack anymore. She needs to learn to do things right the first time because when she gets a job her boss won't take half done work. It will be his way or the highway.

Mini-Vacation . . .

I am SO excited for my upcoming mini vacation to Saint George, Utah.  My foster daughter is graduating this June and wants to take a trip to celebrate.  In order for the trip to be authorized she needed supervision.  I volunteered my time to drive her down there and to supervise her activities.  It is really nice for me because my husband is able to take his days off on those that we are going so I won't need to take the little ones.  What makes it even more perfect is that we are picking up my best friend to tag along.  My stomach is filled with butterflies...the excitement feels like it is going to burst out of me at any time.  I truly hope for my own sake that I get to feeling better before this trip.

I have been battling with this weird ailment.  For more then a week now I have suffered through the most horrific stomach cramping and nausea that I have ever felt in my entire life.  The past two days have been so bad that I have actually been bed bound.  Every time I have stood up I am hit with horrific pain.  My husband has been as good as can be expected this last week.  It is very hard on him to gain perspective on my sickness (if you can really call it that).  My husband works very hard at his job.  He goes to work every day and puts in 100% so he can be the financial rock in our family.  I am extremely grateful for this.  The problem with how hard he works is that he doesn't have enough energy left to help with the kids or around the house.  As a stay-at-home mom I understand the requirements of my daily job, as you could call it.  I know that the majority of the responsibilities around the house and for the kids are my responsibility.  At the same time I get so much anxiety if I am ever sick or under the weather.  I feel that anytime I do "take time off" I am judged by disapproving glares and negative under-breath comments.  The constant toll of solely taking care of the house, two young kids, and two teenage foster daughters is starting to affect me physically.  I am SO tired at times that I feel like I can't keep moving forward.  I wish my husband would understand that just because he brings in the money does not mean he is exempt from any responsibilities around the house and with the kids.  I don't really expect a lot . . . help me to put away the clothes after I fold them, set the dinner table, change a diaper, or even just understanding the immense pressure I deal with everyday.  I sincerely am not complaining . . . at least not unproductively.  I truly just want to release my pressure valve of anxiety and stress.

That is why this mini-vacation could not come at a better time.  I am hoping that the excitement will help to curb all the stress and anxiety. 

Feel the love . . .

My husband and I have been going to this marriage group class for three weeks and so far it has really made a difference.  The class is teaching from a book called "Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson.  She is the developer of Emotional Focused Couple Therapy.  The concepts that she brings to the table are so simple yet I would have never thought to apply them to my marriage.  I am so grateful for the message that she brings.  I feel that my feelings are validated solely because other couples in this book are going through the same thing.  I always felt like I was wrong or that I just didn't deserve to be loved.  Dr. Sue talks about a pattern or a cycle that is represented by the infinity symbol. 

If you separate the symbol horizontally equally on the very bottom is your needs.  When your needs are not met then you start to have feelings (which usually are negative).  If you are still unable to have your needs met those feelings turn into negative thoughts.  Those thoughts will turn into actions, again usually negative.  Then the cycle will continue the other way.  From the actions, to thoughts, feelings, then back to the beginning with needs.  This pattern or cycle will continue inevitably until the deep needs are met or something can stop it in the middle. 

This class is teaching us to pay attention to the cycle and communicate our deep needs.  For me, this makes total sense.  When I begin to feel alone or even ignored I will extend my frustration out on smaller non-serious matters.  This would include silly bickering about issues that really have no importance.  This class has helped me to associate positivity to my needs.  I feel that I am able to communicate to my husband what I really need.  I have been shocked at his acceptance of this teaching.  My husband is not as emotionally in tune as I am, but I have been able to come to see that he does indeed have feelings.  Over the years, because of my husband's incapability to express his feelings, thoughts, and indeed needs I have neglected those.  This has resulted in his detachment from our relationship and at times his feeling of solidarity.  I am so impressed that after only three classes we have been able to see such a prominent change in our relationship.

Refreshed and Rejuvenated . . .

I have had the opportunity to be refreshed on my purpose of this blog. It's sole purpose is for an artistic outlet of my feelings and thoughts. At first, I thought this was something I wanted to share with my husband. We have both come to the conclusion that won't work for our dynamic right now. While I still need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings my husband is not prepared to read those thoughts and feelings objectively. I am still excited to put my thoughts out there for people to read and even more excited that these thoughts, feelings, and revelations will be out there for my husband to read when he is ready. I'm not sure how my readers (if I can even use a plural on that term) receive what I am writing. I want to extend a disclaimer that I am not at all trying to come off preachy. Through my self analasis I am able to grow as a human being. For me right now my path is very spiritual. My main goal is to excercise my talent for writing to first and foremost grow as an individual and also in some smaller part have it out there for other's to take and learn from. I'm not saying I am perfect by any sense of the word but I can admit that some of the things I am going through is very relatable in today's society. It is so true and sad that moat people feel that they have to suffer things in silence. Just like I suffered with my depression for years before I would even admit it to myself. I truly just hope to inspire one person to stand up and get help with whatever is ailing them. I hope to add a new blog tomorrow about the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I have realized that if I don't document these thoughts and feelings that I will be bound to repeat them.