I was beginning to write another entry on my blog when I hit a road block. To bypass that, I read my previous entry and was surprised by my reaction. I typically don't read what I write after it flows from my fingers. It is a therapeutic release of the emotions that I hold so tightly within. As I read the last questions I posted I burst into tears. I actually lifted my own spirits by taking my own advice, in this case by asking my own questions. Isn't that the irony. My personal epiphanies sometimes fall on my deaf ears and mute heart. I want to say that I am a quick learner but alas this is not true. The truth is that I am having to learn some of the same things over and over again in life. This is not an easy thing to admit. In my head I feel that I am capable of sudden adaptability. In some aspects of my life this is true but for the most part I am struggling.
The biggest lesson that I have to keep trying to learn is how to conquer my depression. For so many years I have allowed my depression to control me. I am but it's slave and it is my leader. I wish this were not the case and I feel quite the weakling for even admitting that outside of my own head. I am but a pawn in depression's downward spiral. How pathetic I feel . . . as strong as I thought I was to be controlled by my own mind. The overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and fear has taken me to a place lower than I have ever been. These are not the words that I want to be writing. I want to be filling this virtual world with great motivational words that would make a difference in this desperate world. Alas, I have no such words. The best that I can hope for is that someone in the world, someone who reads this can relate to where I am. Hopefully, I will be able to drag myself out of this and discover those words. For now my words are only a lifeline to my sanity. A lifeline to a place so deeply buried underneath this crushing depression. That place will set me free through every syllable that I write. Each syllable brings me closer to the strength I have lost over the years.
I must force myself to remember that I am not alone in this journey. I need only reach out to the loved ones around me for support. This is the hardest part for me. It is so much easier to put on the mask of courage and plow my way through life. Keeping this secret from everyone I know is my security blanket. To be known as weak and a failure has not been an option for me. My self worth always relied on my ability to be what everyone else needed me to be. The problem I am facing now is the need to be what I need to be for me to save my own life. This disease is consuming my life and killing me little by little each day. Each day I have less of myself to offer to those around me. I have been giving so much of myself for the majority of my life that I don't know who I would be if I had nothing left to give. Who are we if we are but an empty shell?? What drives us forward when our ember has been extinguished?? I am terrified of where I will be if this cycle continues. What I have to live for is too valuable to lose.
