We just got back from my sister's wedding. Mary B. was married to Marshall R., on April 6, 2010 at 5:00 pm. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was happy to have been a witness to their union. Mary is my husband's sister, but I am proud to call her my sister as well. Before we left the ceremony I spoke to Mary about an experience we shared when my son, Ender, was born five years ago. Mary was in town visiting when Ender was born. She wanted to spend as much time as she could with her first nephew before she had to leave the next day. This wonderful woman spent all night with me and Ender so Luke could go home and get some much needed sleep. She was a blessed angel during that time and has continued to be such a sweet spirit in the many years that we have gotten to know each other. I truly feel that Ender and Mary have a special bond because of that one night. I am tearing up thinking about how fast my little boy has grown up. This wedding got me thinking about my own wedding only six years ago.
On a beautiful April Fool's Day I married the sweetest man I have ever met. Luke was waiting for me at the end of the aisle with the most sincere smile I have ever seen him wear. I had to take that walk solo, but I knew that as soon as we said, "I do," I would not be on my journey alone anymore. I would have a partner, a friend, and a lover to be with my every step of the way. Our relationship was tested beyond measure during our first year together.
I was pregnant and had been diagnosed with a cist on one of my ovaries. The pain was excruciating and I was placed on bed rest. During this time I was unable to keep my depression under control. I felt isolated and helpless. During my youth I was able to control my depression with activities and socializing that I was unable to do during my pregnancy. My coping mechanisms were gone and I didn't have any new ones to replace them. Even though this was a difficult, I am grateful for the lessons that heavenly father taught me during that time. I want to express my understanding that through our struggles and hardships we can learn and grow. I have titled this blog A Wonderful Struggle because of this understanding. If I can take from a struggle the positive things I learned instead of focusing on the struggle itself, then I am able to embrace the lesson I learned. It is only when past mistakes are forgotten that we are unable to grow and repeat the behavior or actions. It is the same lesson you learn in US History: In order to not repeat the mistakes of the previous generations one must study their history. While I am not proud of everything that I have done I wouldn't change anything. Every moment that I have lived has molded me in the person I am today. Without any one of those moments my whole existence could cease to exist.
Through this blog I hope to inspire one person to seek treatment for their depression. For years upon years I hid my depression from all those around me. I ignored it so hard that when my depression confronted me I was unprepared. Please know that depression is not something you can handle on your own. Heavenly Father has blessed us with medicine so we might prepare ourselves to be the best version of ourselves we can be. For the longest time I felt that I was weak because of my depression. I thought if only I could be stronger I wouldn't suffer from depression. I have only recently been enlightened to the fact that it is the most courageous of us who seek treatment. Not only treatment with therapy and medicine but seek out Heavenly Father as well. I know that this journey could not have been complete without HIM. He was the missing key that you forgot you had. I have always had faith but I never exercised it. My faith is getting quite a workout but I am enjoying the "burn." I have never been so energized. I truly can feel HIS hand in everything that I do. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to have a body. I know that I am on a blessed journey that will take me back to my Father in heaven. Physically I was walking alone down the aisle at my wedding, but spiritually HE held my hand all the way through. I am beyond grateful to have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I don't think people take mental illness as seriously as they should. My mom spent her entire life with Bi Polar and didn't get it treated until 24 years after I was born. I've never struggled with mental illness myself, but I watched it tear apart my family because my mother was in denial. Now that she's medicated, we have a wonderful relationship and she's the mother I always prayed she would be.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm so glad you're blogging and getting out all your stuff! It's not good to keep it in! And I'm glad you've found happiness :).
--Trish
Thank you for the support, Trish. I was a little nervous when I started this project. I have been blessed with some level of enlightenment that has allowed me to understand and apply some great changes in my every day life. Bi-polar is a tricky disorder. It can fool your mind sometimes. In a smaller degree depression is the same way. I have to give myself daily reminders of where I was just a mere couple of months ago. I'm not referring to dwelling on my past behavior, but simply reminding myself that my current mood/behavior is dependent on my therapy and medication. Sometimes depression feels like such a fog when you are encompassed with it that when that fog is lifted you feel like it was just a dream. I don't want to forget what I have come from so I don't feel like I can handle my depression without medication. For the longest time I was ashamed that I was depressed. Thanks again for checking my blog out. I hope you will keep checking back.
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm here too :) Blogs are very therapeutic, so I'm happy that you are getting your thoughts off your chest. Of course, I just post craft stuff on mine LOL Keep writing, even when you don't feel like it and it will make your problems weigh you down less. I'm glad you're seeking help and I'm here always if you need a friend <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support, Brie. It is nice to know that I have someone to talk to that won't judge. I was always nervous to tell people that I was depressed. I thought people would judge me and every thing that I do would be under the microscope.
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